THE BEER HUNTER
24 Feb, 2003

The night started out innocently enough. Kat called to see if I wanted to join her, Sasha, Lil, and Dale (of the Melvins) for Mexican. In that all I was doing was writing about the connection between Mary Magdalene’s hair and pineal DMT bursts, I decided that a taco might not be too bad. But you can’t have a taco without three pitchers of margaritas (where was kaRIN when I needed her for that elusive "in-between" round?), at least not if I’m invited to dip chips. And then we started talking about what we were going to do if the restaurant closed. I told Kat that I had a bottle of "Blair Estate" at home, and that we should probably open it. So that was our plan, only first we went to Dale’s house to drink some of his wine (poor guy didn’t have his name on his bottle). So, back at my place, drinking this 38% Cabernet Sauvignon, 34% Cabernet Franc, and 28% Merlot, I notice this email from a guy in Australia who’s all upset because I questioned whether or not bus shelters were erected down under (plastered with posters of Kylie’s ASS just like in L.A.) as a defense against the rain of poisonous spiders. Isn’t that the reason for wearing those damn Akubras everywhere you go? So I replied (with help from Kat), and we posted it. And then we did a really terrible thing. We woke up sober and censored ourselves. Well, due to public demand (mostly from all our friends in Australia) we are now going to re-post it. However, I want you to know that none of this was Sasha’s fault. Anything he may have said, he did under duress. I know this because I had violently shaken up a large "oil can" of Fosters beer (mate) and put it to his head, threatening to pull the pop-top if he didn’t give me some choice slang to use against his own kind. YOU'RE F***IN WITH THE WRONG AUSSIES (AND "I ATE AT OUTBACK STEAKHOUSE LAST NIGHT" BLAIR)
The Attack:
"We're not all Kylie Minogue-ass-photo selling retards. I take offence to being patronized with your ridiculous overuse of Australian stereotypes. We don't make fun of Americans because a couple of them sell their... I dunno... Backstreet Boy action figures or some shit..over ebay. Whee, I can just see this being used on the site with your witty criticisms below it, making me seem like a peon for expressing my opinion. James
The Response:
Jamesy, if that is in fact your real crocodile-colloquia-feeling, colossal-shrimp-on-the-barbie-grillin' name, I've got me three best Aussie mates over here drinking, er, some Fosters (well, actually they are - I'm drinking me good ol' VB, mate - or do I feel like a Toohey's or two? )... and here's what they have to say about your email. (By the way, glad to see you all now have email down under... Microwaves are coming soon; imagine, Kangaroo steaks ready in 2 minutes flat, mate!)... So, here's Sash, Kat, and "no dingo's eatin' my baby" Lillo's, to set you straight about your f***in rant. First off, we know you're not all "Kylie-Minogue-ass-photo-selling retards," because if you were you would have enough money not to have to write boring arse emails like this to waste our precious high-salaried Tool energy on. Have a bit of respect for yourself. Why don't you go out and stick an unshaved huntsman in your Fosters-foaming mouth and find yourself a decent sheila for a change... Oh lookout, now you've done it. You've gone and pissed Blair right off, now he's throwing schooners and stubbies around like boomerangs in the bush. I think yours might be next - or are you more of a middy man than a schooner? Well anyway mate, we'll sober up soon and start fresh with a new eskie tomorrow. Cheers, have a good one on us. "The Team"
P.S. Pull your f***in' thumb out and get a real job, you King G Arse (it's a pity you're not Hard Yakka mate!)...


COLLIDE
21 Feb, 2003

Danny has finished recording a drum track for the new Collide cd, "Some Kind of Strange" that is due to be released sometime in March. Hopefully kaRIN and Statik will keep me informed as to when it will be available in stores and on their website, but in the meantime, you can get more details at www.collide.net.
BMB



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